{The Nest Writes} Why don’t we talk about miscarriages?

There is no doubt that losing your child is the most incredibly horrible thing that is likely to happen, but what about those who lose their little ones before being able to meet them?

In our society it is almost frowned upon to announce your pregnancy prior to the end of the first trimester and that magical 12 weeks mark, you know, because what if your baby dies and that makes it uncomfortable for those around you?

There are so many emotions that go along with experiencing a miscarriage and often it is the darkest time in your life. There are many feelings and emotions that bubble to the surface.Sad couple

The saddest seems to be a sense of failure. It is common for women who experience a miscarriage to feel responsible and guilty. What if I hadn’t eat that hot dog, did I not eat enough vitamins? What if I pushed it too hard in this morning’s run. A friend of mine who recently experienced a miscarriage said that she simply felt that she was not woman enough to carry a baby to term. What an absolutely heartbreaking thing to hear from one of the most successful, passionate, brilliant women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Unfortunately, I learnt quickly that it did not matter how reasonable my arguments were that this was certainly not her fault and that she should not feel this way, her sense of shame could not be pushed away.

So what should you say to a mama-bird that is undergoing one of the saddest times in her life?

Well, here is what not to say:

Don’t worry, you can try again” and she is likely to think “So, I can just make a new one and forget about this one, is it that easy?

“It isn’t your fault” and she may think “Ah, so you’re a doctor are you, and can scientifically prove to me it wasn’t my fault?

“You’re lucky you were only 7 weeks, it wasn’t really a baby yet” “Well actually to me, that little thing in my stomach was my baby and so much more, it was my hopes and dreams and playdates and kisses”

So what should you say?

Just be there. Be supportive, be kind. Give time and hugs and cups of tea.

Importantly, don’t feel bad about bringing it up, people need to talk, it is how you heal. She is probably thinking about it basically 24 hours a day anyway.

The best thing you can give a friend experiencing a miscarriage is time. Give her time to grieve. Not only for her baby, but for the hopes she had attached to that little person.

Do the little things, grab a coffee and pop around. Make dinner and leave it on the doorstep.

The only way to make miscarriage less uncomfortable is to have more conversations. No one wants to suffer alone and nor should they.

Speak to each other, support the sisterhood. Make the uneasy conversations and topics less taboo by simply talking about it.

To all our mama-birds out there who are living without a little piece of themselves, we send you love, hugs and endless cups of tea. ted

HELP IS AVAILABLE

If you would like to speak to someone about your experience completely judgment free then call Pregnancy Birth and Baby on 1800 882 436 anytime of the day or night for trusted advice and emotional support.

Or alternatively speak with SANDS.Org. Their helpline is available 24 hours a day 1300 072 637.

 

{Infant loss} One brave story is shared

Please take a moment to think of the 1 in 4 people who have lost their little ones early. It’s not just a statistic, it affects someone you know. A father, a brother, a sister, especially a mother.

One brave Nester family recently shared their story with us.

Thank you for being strong enough to share your loss.

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Dear the little babe that we never got to meet,

You came to us quickly, but were torn away hastily.

Sweetheart, words will never be able to express the love we hold for you. We didn’t get to meet you, but you will still be a part of our aching souls for eternity.

We ask the question, over and over again. Why. Why darling did you leave us?

Why did you not fight harder?

Did we not fight enough for you?

Did mummy and daddy let you down?

The guilt is strong. The pain is raw.   

We think of you today. We think of you every single day. How old would you be? Would you be like your daddy?

We watch your brothers and sisters grow and become little versions of ourselves. You won’t get to see that, and we won’t get to see you be a part of them. They are too little to remember, but we will think of you often.

Losing you was singlehandedly the worst pain we have ever experienced. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our loss.

We will never be able to cradle you in our warm arms, to comfort you, to breathe you, to embrace you. We will never see you walk or smile or laugh. We wonder what your laugh would sound like. We ache in that dream of the unknown for you.

With all of our very heavy hearts, we know that if love was enough to keep you here, you never would have been able to leave. Babe you are so loved, and missed.  

You taught us lessons though, we learnt that we are braver than we feel, stronger than we know and most importantly capable of survival.

We will continue to think of you often. A part of us, taken away too soon.

We are different now, but stronger maybe.

You will not be forgotten little one. You will live on in our pained hearts for always.

We are heartbroken, but strong. Stronger together because of you.

We remember you today and we will remember you tomorrow. For our little babe you will always be.

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