{Bachelor AU} Recap with shite drawings. Episode three.

So ep3 of sexy hot churros twenty17 gives us the first big pash – A pig chase and the farewell of the mightily flexible.

So our first date is on a boat – and if you wanna forget you’re on a boat you won’t -because Laura and MattyJ talk about being on a boat for like the whole time. They are cute. He has had her eye on her since the very beginning (big words fella, it’s been like 6 days, I’m not sure your endurance really shows much credit) and she has been crushing hard since the very beginning. Oh. sigh.

The best bit is how fkn nervous she is and she does what most of us do and WON’T. STOP. TALKING. Think similar to: “I had a guinea pig named flea when I was five” – “I don’t like peas” – I broke my nail when I was 13″ – “Gee I like boats”.

They draw pictures of each other.

They giggle and flirt awkwardly (read above: guinea pig)

Then there is a fkn moment that seems to last for 27 years when they stare into each other’s ridiculously dreamy eyes and they pash. Like a good ol’ fashioned pash but on the positive, this time neither party makes a dash!

It’s adorable and slightly wet but the first kiss of the season always is.

Cheers to the adorable ones. bach 3

At the group date we are transported back to King Henry(?)’s time. There are massive costume dresses and pig chasing.

Nothing says 2017 like making girls wear old fashioned dresses, get dumped in a cage and chase baby pigs around in order to win a date with the one eligible bachelor *that reminds me must burn bra again soon in protest of something*

2 girls win and head to the ‘bachie banquet’

Next is a game of quoits (the toss a ring on a stick game) but to make it interesting they wack the girls into sacks. Genius right??

Then there is a fkn vicious game of soccer – like brawling would be a nicer way to say it.

The two winners from each group are off to dinner with hot royal churros.

Leah decided to play dirty (shocking I know) and fakes her true feelings “Oh, I take on everyone else’s problems. I’m so selfless. I’m a lover of the people” *cough cough*

Bachie is all like woah babes you alright?

Anyways then we roll around to the cocktail party – just the usual – Leah hates Simone – Simone hates Leah – Jennifer is fkn hilarious

Then the beat drops and tears are flowing and the most flexible in the group Akoulina is sent packing. She doesn’t seem too sad. Having said that she does seem a bit pissed about still wearing medieval wear.  READ: Where’s all the Alex Perry Couture?

Until next time my fancies…

THE GOOD: Laura is pretty popular and Elora is still cruising even if she was in the bottom three this week (well played producers)

THE BAD: Leah again needs to go to class something called “How not to lie to boys and like it”

Until next time – may the rose be forever in your favour.

{Bachelor AU} Recap with shite drawings. Episode two.

Yep it’s episode 2 of sexy hot churros bachie twenty-seventeen.

Today was pretty full on. We start by taking the gorgeous ever wanderlustful Elora on a boat. To Port Stephens. It looks colder than a penguin’s fanny TBH. Anyway they swim. She seduces him using as few words as possible. You can see they want to shag and i’m pretty during if they were at the Courthouse Hotel on a Thursday nite – 6 rum and cokes in – there would be a sleepover in their immediate future.

Elora is really fkn attractive and saying all the things like “I know what love feels like and it’s worth fighting for“. You can hear the producers in the background jizzing in their pants.

He like her. He gives her a rose. She’s safe for another day.

Then there is a group date. Its a photo shoot for a reputable magazine based around ‘first dates’ ep2

First up is a threesome. My mate Jennifer is made to dress like she has a condom on her head. Florence wears a red itsby bitsy bikini. MattyJ looks hot.

The producers are all obviously like “piss Jen off ASAP” because they make her stand in the background while Flo grips Matty in the pool like a toddler who doesn’t want to go to daycare.

Not long after Jen brings up out fave 80s line “No body puts baby in the corner”, dives into the pool and straight up onto MattyJ like a spider monkey.

The next scene was a party from 1989. Pretty boring really *checks facebook and instagram*, but then Sian does the worm. That’s pretty smashing.

The next scene was cheerleaders with three girls in the photoshoot. Not really sure who was there only Simone who was all with the talking/touching/giggling/flirting.

Sian and Leah stood on the sidelines throwing shade *jealous*

Then comes the best awkward bit on Australian TV since that time they announced the wrong winner of Australia’s Next Top Model. Having said that, even that fails in comparison to the actions of Leah 2017.

So Matty & Leah on a motorbike and fuck it’s annoying. MattyJ is all like I wish you brushed your teeth and Leah is all “I am so fkn gorgeous right now”

Nek minut Leah leans in for a pash. MattyJ does the dash with a solid ‘nu-uh galfrand’

It is brilliantly awkward and wonderfully tragic. *Producers jizzing again*

To remind us all about the romance and the rich people lives the bachie pretends to live, we then head to a private mansion and play tennis in a one on one date with barbie look-a-like Lisa.

Lisa looks fierce in the all-white ensemble she has been given *makes every single female in the country question their own sexuality*

She beats him in tennis. He likes it.

They go in the pool. Loads of giggling. Less sexual tension than that time with Elora but still they have fun (watch out friend zone possibility).

He gives her a rose. They look like Barbie and Ken do the bachelor.

We flash to all the ladies at the cocktail party. We can’t get past Sian and her ‘suns out tits out’ dress philosophy. Also there is some solid bitching between a couple of the girls. TBH we don’t care because we are still thinking about Leah and her attempted assault of MattyJ luscious lips.

Next comes the rose ceremony. Pretty predictable. All of a sudden there is this chick that looks like a Kardashian that no one has ever seen before in the last two. Obvs she is on the way out. Catch ya later Laura-Ann Kardashian.

THE GOOD: Elora is frontrunner. Lisa is holding good in second.

THE BAD: Leah needs to go to class about body language, specialising in ‘when a man doesn’t love a woman’.

Until next time – may the rose be forever in your favour.

{Bachelor AU} Recap with shite drawings. Episode One.

So bachie 5.0 kicked off this week and here is the world’s shittest replay.

So, we meet Matty J – you might remember him from that time he had his heart stamped on before the nation last year in Georgia Love’s bachelorette show. Not to be dramatic but it was quite possibly the most dramatic moment in Australian TV since the time that Maggie died on Blue Heelers.

Matty J is like a churros hot on the outside, lovely and delicious on the inside.

He likes long walks. Spending time with his nephew. Generally being awesome at life.

BACH EP1 (1)

In quick succession we meet this year’s desperate potential suitors.

One chick says looking at him makes her “ovaries tingle”. MattyJ looks absolute thrilled to hear that :/

Natalie – the former lesbian advises Matty J that he turned her straight again after she spent six months stalking him on Instagram.  Hot churros man looks overwhelmed. #NotAStalkerAtAll

Michelle the police officer lady arrives in a squad car – lights and all. Matty shits himself and remembers that time he peed in a bush and was arrested. She threw him around a bit. He liked it.

Cobie arrives in silence and makes churros man suck down a bunch of toxic helium gas so they sound strangely like drugged mice. He seems to think she is funny.

One chick with an entirely difficult to spell name comes in with some rhythmic gymnast moves that both confuse and clearly excite MattyJ with her infinite flexibility.

Then Leah arrives half starkers and declares she wants to show him her secret garden.

At the cocktail party all the girls are getting along famously more interested in pissing on each other, like puppies marking their territory before an intruder comes in. Intruder is a strong term, like they have all only been there for 37 seconds by this time. Elora is a fire twirler who is not only smokin’ hot personal trainer but comes from Hawaii and is so settled here she even brought her dog #HopeSheToldImmigration

Once intruder alert dies down, Elizabeth throws shade at Jennifer by saying “Yo babez your dress is putrid”. Jennifer cries. No one really cares.

Osher comes in like a perfectly styled Ken doll and announces the inclusion of a secret garden this year. Leah confirms she wants hot churros to see her secret garden.

Not long afterward Natalie gets 47 hundred thousand glasses of champers in her well toned guts and acts worse than a first-year kid at o-week. She farts publicly and runs around generally causing outrage and judgement.

Then it’s time for the rose ceremony. He kicks out Miss Personality and Monica (we don’t really know who Monica is, but obvs there was zero interest from MattyJ).

THE GOOD: we like Michelle and Lisa, they appear to be the frontrunners

THE BAD: Leah who is basically nakid and Natalie who may need a referral to AA.

Until next time – may the rose be forever in your favour.