Yep it’s episode 2 of sexy hot churros bachie twenty-seventeen.
Today was pretty full on. We start by taking the gorgeous ever wanderlustful Elora on a boat. To Port Stephens. It looks colder than a penguin’s fanny TBH. Anyway they swim. She seduces him using as few words as possible. You can see they want to shag and i’m pretty during if they were at the Courthouse Hotel on a Thursday nite – 6 rum and cokes in – there would be a sleepover in their immediate future.
Elora is really fkn attractive and saying all the things like “I know what love feels like and it’s worth fighting for“. You can hear the producers in the background jizzing in their pants.
He like her. He gives her a rose. She’s safe for another day.
First up is a threesome. My mate Jennifer is made to dress like she has a condom on her head. Florence wears a red itsby bitsy bikini. MattyJ looks hot.
The producers are all obviously like “piss Jen off ASAP” because they make her stand in the background while Flo grips Matty in the pool like a toddler who doesn’t want to go to daycare.
Not long after Jen brings up out fave 80s line “No body puts baby in the corner”, dives into the pool and straight up onto MattyJ like a spider monkey.
The next scene was a party from 1989. Pretty boring really *checks facebook and instagram*, but then Sian does the worm. That’s pretty smashing.
The next scene was cheerleaders with three girls in the photoshoot. Not really sure who was there only Simone who was all with the talking/touching/giggling/flirting.
Sian and Leah stood on the sidelines throwing shade *jealous*
Then comes the best awkward bit on Australian TV since that time they announced the wrong winner of Australia’s Next Top Model. Having said that, even that fails in comparison to the actions of Leah 2017.
So Matty & Leah on a motorbike and fuck it’s annoying. MattyJ is all like I wish you brushed your teeth and Leah is all “I am so fkn gorgeous right now”
Nek minut Leah leans in for a pash. MattyJ does the dash with a solid ‘nu-uh galfrand’
It is brilliantly awkward and wonderfully tragic. *Producers jizzing again*
To remind us all about the romance and the rich people lives the bachie pretends to live, we then head to a private mansion and play tennis in a one on one date with barbie look-a-like Lisa.
Lisa looks fierce in the all-white ensemble she has been given *makes every single female in the country question their own sexuality*
She beats him in tennis. He likes it.
They go in the pool. Loads of giggling. Less sexual tension than that time with Elora but still they have fun (watch out friend zone possibility).
He gives her a rose. They look like Barbie and Ken do the bachelor.
We flash to all the ladies at the cocktail party. We can’t get past Sian and her ‘suns out tits out’ dress philosophy. Also there is some solid bitching between a couple of the girls. TBH we don’t care because we are still thinking about Leah and her attempted assault of MattyJ luscious lips.
Next comes the rose ceremony. Pretty predictable. All of a sudden there is this chick that looks like a Kardashian that no one has ever seen before in the last two. Obvs she is on the way out. Catch ya later Laura-Ann Kardashian.
THE GOOD: Elora is frontrunner. Lisa is holding good in second.
THE BAD: Leah needs to go to class about body language, specialising in ‘when a man doesn’t love a woman’.
Until next time – may the rose be forever in your favour.