Being pregnant has its advantages. Like, well you know, a new human.
But.. there are some severe downfalls. Uncontrollable emotions. Irratic behaviour. Swelling in non-ideal body locations.
I, myself am not immune to slightly elevated moods. My husband
lovingly refers to me sometimes as ‘preggosaurus’, because I am likely to switch into a massive reptile of emotion at any moment.
During my first pregnancy I burst into tears in Woolies because the hubby told me they had no grapes. I was a blubbering mess. Hysterics soon followed. By the way they did. He was just joking. I still haven’t completely forgiven him.
Not long after I was at work and attacked my boss for not writing down the telephone number for a client. He had to endure a ten minute rampage on basic office protocol and the importance of inter-office communication. He had the number in his phone. Still his fault.
Here are some of the simplest things to say to upset a preggo..
- Are you having twins?
Translation: You are really, really fat. Like, hippopotamus fat. No wonder you waddle.
Answer: Would you like a knuckle sandwich? P.S shut your face.
- Do you really want mustard on that?
Translation: That is really gross.
Answer: No, I asked for mustard on my jam sandwich for the sheer fun of watching you ask whether I really wanted it. How about you sit back in your box and give me my fu&?!ng mustard.
- You look like you are ready to burst.
Translation: Beached whales look better than you.
Answer: Thanks, when are you due?
- Get all the sleep you can now before the baby comes.
Translation: Just a reminder that you will be lucky to sleep for longer than a three hour increment every single day for the next six to 12 months.
Answer: Yeah, thanks idiot. You do know that there is no such thing as a sleep bank right?!
- You’re planning to breastfeed right?
Translation: If you’re not going to breastfeed, you are quite possibly the worst human being in the world.
Answer: Yep, I did intend to feed my infant, well at least until its old enough to order pizza or eat margarine by the spoon or something.
- Wow you were hungry.
Translation: You are a fat oompa loompa who just ate enough food to feed a small African nation.
Answer: Have you grown a human being today?
- It’s just your hormones acting up, that’s why your upset.
Translation: You are so easily upset over this completely significant issue.
Answer: No dickhead, I am upset because you are a dickhead.
- Was this pregnancy planned?
Translation: Do you have sex regularly? Don’t you use some method of birth control?
Answer: Yes, I passed year 8 PDHD. I know how babies are made. I know what caused it and thank you for your delightful congratulations.
- Wow, I don’t know how you are going to make it through summer heavily pregnant.
Translation: Wow, the next three months are going to be horrible for you. Haven’t you seen how much time whales spend in water?
Answer: Yeah, I am looking forward to sweltering and in turn losing weight from all my overworked sweat glands. Its a shame no one has invented a machine to like cool air in houses or something..
10. Haven’t you had that baby yet?
Translation: Did you forget you had to get that thing out?
Answer: Yes, I had it last week, I just forgot to tell you because you are a moron.
11. Looks like baby brain has already kicked in
Translation: You are really stupid.
Answer: Nope it’s just my baby brain can’t compute what an absolute idiot you are.
In all seriousness, pregnancy is the most amazing experience, and the outcome is definitely worth it all! Excuse me now, I need to go explain to the hubby why he just found the garbage bags in the freezer and the sunscreen in the oven again.